MobSpeak

Lights up on a seedy basement scene. A bunch of mobsters are gathered around a card table. Their attention is on Vinnie, the head underboss of the Vennandetti crime family.

Vinnie: Alright boys, listen up. Bossuma had me gather you all together here because you’re the best the family has. I’m sure you gentlemen know each other: Teddy the Hat, Charlie the Crowbar, and Mickey the Nineteen Sixty-Seven Cadillac El Dorado Convertible.

Mickey: In Red.

Vinnie: –in Red. See the family, we’ve got ourselves a couple of problems that need to be seen to.

Teddy: I hate problems boss.

Charlie: Problems are bad for business.

Mickey: Problems are the opposite of good.

Vinnie: Glad to see we’re on the same page here; now I’m gonna tell youse guys what I want youse guys to do, but I want you to watch what you say, because the feds have been all over our asses, and they might be tapping us.

Teddy Charlie and Mickey: Oh!

Teddy: We’ll keep our mouths shut boss.

Charlie: Our lips are sealed.

Mickey: Because the feds have tapped our asses.

Pause.

Vinnie: Did you just–?

Charlie: What?

Vinnie: Nothing. fuggidaboutit.

Teddy Charlie and Mickey: Fuggidaboutit.

Vinnie: Now boys, first thing boys, Bossuma, thinks we might have a leak. Teddy, I’m going to need you to find it, and plug it, if you catch my meaning.

Teddy: I understand boss.

Vinnie: Good. Now Charlie–

Teddy: Umm…

Vinnie: Yes Teddy? You got something to say?

Teddy: (Dancing around the question) Well. It’s just, with all due respect boss, don’t you think it would be better to hire a plumber?

Vinnie: For what?

Teddy: To take care of the leak what needs plugging.

Vinnie: Teddy, you’re the plumber.

Teddy: Boss I’m a hitman.

Vinnie: What we need is for a hitman to be a plumber.

Teddy: That’s ridiculous boss. I’ve got no training as a plumber. I mean I killed a guy with a pipe once but–

Vinnie: Teddy, when I say LEAK I mean GUY, And when I say PLUG I mean SHOOT! Preferably with a gun though I would also accept some form of crossbow.

Teddy: Oh!

Vinnie: Good. Moving on. Boy’s, we’ve got a bit of a problem here. See, the Scopelli’s they got themselves this Package Boy. And next Thursday, when he’s running from the social club to the butcher’s he’s gonna be a Mule, and what this Mule is carrying is very valuable to us. So I want you to grab it. You catch my drift?

Charlie: Gotcha. You want me to grab the boy’s package. I mean, I can do it, but just so we’re clear, it violates my parole, and, certain terms don’t wash off.

Teddy: I don’t know why they keep calling you that, you don’t even like feet that much.

Mickey: No, Teddy, Charlie, you’ve got it all wrong–

Vinnie: Thank you.

Mickey: The boss wants you to grab a Mule’s Package.

Vinnie: God dammit.

Charlie: With all due respect boss, I ain’t grabbing no farm animals. That shit’s unnatural.

Teddy: Hey! Charlie the Crowbar! If the boss tells you to do something, you do it. I don’t care if he wants you to piss on a rat or take a monkey to a candle-lit dinner!

Charlie: What are you talkin’ about eh?

Mickey: I dunno, I’m with Charlie on this one–

Teddy: I’m talkin’ about doing your duty to the family!

Charlie: What do you know about doin’ your duty to the family? You can’t even work on a couple of leaky pipes–!

Mickey: I mean that didn’t work out so well for Catherine the Great . That’s all I’m sayin’.

Vinnie: BOYS! We are Mobsters. I’m not asking anyone to perform any acts upon any youngster or livestock which have been deemed unnatural by the laws of both God and man! I am telling Charlie, to find the low-ranking member of the Scoppelli crime family, who has been running drugs between the Scoppelli’s social club and the butcher shop. I am Telling him that he is to then steal them, and bring them, the drugs, to us, so that we may sell them and in turn profit from their sale.

Charlie: Oh!

Vinnie: So you understand?

Charlie: Yes?

Pause.Vinnie: Alright. Now Mickey. Mickey the Nineteen Sixty Seven Cadillac El Dorado–

Mickey: In Red.

Vinnie: (Pause) MickeytheNineteenSixtySevenCadillacElDoradoInRed. Come here. I want you to listen very carefully. The Russians Mickey. Those God damn Ruskies have been trying to muscle in on our territory. So I want you to get some guys; go over to the bookie’s on South and Eighty-First and take them out. Do you get me?

Mickey: I get you boss.

Vinnie: You’re sure?

Mickey: One hundred percent.

Vinnie: You realize that it is not my desire that you take any Russian muscle menout for, oh say a nice lunch at a restaurant, but instead that you…?

Mickey: Boss I read you loud and clear. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Vinnie: Oh thank Christ.

Mickey: You want me to whack these guys off. I’ll whack these guys off before they even know I’m there.

Vinnie: Great…wait, what did you just say?

Mickey: I said I was gonna whack them off. We’re gonna kill them right?

Vinnie: We’re not whacking off any guys.

Mickey: I don’t understand Boss.

Teddy: Oh we’re gonna off them.

Charlie: HEY! The boss don’t want us to off nobody–

Teddy: No, No, the boss want’s us to kill them. See it’s all about context–

Charlie: –Then we ain’t gonna off nobody!

Vinnie: BOYS! Forget about it!

Charlie, Teddy, and Mickey: Fuggidabowtit!

Vinnie: Listen. Mickey. You can whack a guy, and you can off a guy, but you can’t whack off a guy.

Pause.

Charlie: Sure you can! I saw Teddy whack off a guy last week.

Everyone looks at TEDDY.

Teddy: I didn’t do nothin’.

Vinnie: BOYS! This is the Vennandetti Crime Family. We are MAFIOSOS. This is not supposed to be this hard! Teddy, You kill the rat who’s talkin’ to the feds. Charlie, You intercept the shipment of drugs. Mickey, You make the Russians disappear. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Capiche?

Teddy, Charlie, and Mickey whisper to each other.

Teddy: What, I gotta be an exterminator now–?

Mickey: Make ‘em disappear? I’m not a magician boss–

Charlie: What the hell does ‘Capische mean?

Vinnie: (Pulls a gun and fires it.) Shut up! I swear to God I will whack all of you off right here right now!

Pause. All the mobsters point at each other and laugh. Vinnie puts the gun away.

Vinnie: Alright. That’s enough business for today. Let’s all just go home and suck some dick.

Charlie, Teddy, and Mickey: (Cheering) Alright!

The Mobsters exit. A Historian walks on stage.

Historian: Though they never overcame their chronic communication difficulties, the Vennandetti crime family none the less rose quickly through the ranks of the underworld to become America’s first all-gay mafia. To find out how tune in next week for park two of our three part series on Homosexual racketeering, Gayfellas: From Closet to Grave, Only on the History Channel.

Lights Down.