Silly Hat Thursday

Lights up on an office scene, there is a desk, a watercooler, and an inspirational poster on the wall. MITCH enters from Stage Right. He’s wearing full corporate dress (Grey Blazer, Pink Dress shirt, Black Tie). He is in the middle of a phone conversation.

Mitch: Listen to me Sharon, I don’t care what we did last night. If you don’t get those files to me in the next thirty minutes I’ll make sure you’re back on whatever street corner you frequented before you managed to fellate your way into our secretary pool! …No…no…no…Yes…No! Listen to me. Have you seen these reports? If our numbers don’t take a turn soon we’ll all be doing the unemployment fandango!

MITCH crosses to the DESK and starts to sift through papers. RILEY enters wearing a full suit and a large novelty Jester’s Cap (complete with bells). He walks to the WATER COOLER and pours himself a drink.

Mitch: The office’s profits are going down the drain, and it’s only a matter of time before corporate…I need them now, no, screw that I need them YESTERDAY. Every hour we waste we’re burning through millions! I want–

MITCH notices RILEY.

Mitch: I’ll call you back. (Closes the Phone) What the hell are you doing?

Riley: What?

Mitch: (Points at his head) That.

Riley: Dude. It’s Silly Hat Thursday.

Mitch: Silly Hat Thursday?

Riley: Yeah.

Mitch: What the hell is Silly Hat Thursday?

Riley: Weren’t you at the meeting?

Mitch: What meeting?

Riley: Oh shit! You were out of town on business last week.

Mitch: Yeah. So?

Riley: Last week Mr. Powell declared all Thursdays to be “Silly Hat Thursday” We all have to come to work wearing silly hats. Henceforth.

Mitch: Henceforth?

Riley: Henceforth.

Mitch: Why?

Riley: Productivity.

Mitch: Productivity?

Riley: Productivity.

Mitch: Riley?

Riley: Yes?

Mitch: That’s retarded.

ALICE enters. She is wearing a gray power suit with shoulder pads, and a CHICKEN HAT.

Alice: Looks like someone forgot about Silly Hat Thursday.

Mitch: I didn’t forget!

Riley: Well you’d better find yourself one.

Mitch: No. I want to make it perfectly clear, that I’m not doing this–

ALICE and RILEY exchange glances.

Mitch: What was that?

Riley: It’s your funeral.

Alice: Yeah…While you were gone that Starbucks downstairs opened, and since then Mr. Powell has been drinking triple espressos every hour on the hour. He’s been acting…Well the word is…

Mitch: Tweeked?

Alice: Batshit insane!

POWELL enters wearing a GIANT SOMBRERO, and drinking from a giant paper coffee cup. There are coffee stains all over his shirt.

Powell: WHO’S BATSHIT INSANE?

Riley: Tom Cruise!

Alice: We were talking about Tom Cruise.

Powell: Who? Oh right. Jumped on a couch. Did Risky Business. Can’t afford to be risky with business, gotta BE on the BALL! Damn this coffee is good. What have you got for me?

Mitch: Well, ah, Sir…if you’d just look at these figures. I think you’ll find that–

Powell: Where is your silly hat?

Mitch: What?

Powell: It’s Silly Hat Thursday.

Mitch: I know, but right here I’ve got–

Powell: You know.

Mitch: Yes. But you see–

Powell: Alice?

Alice: Yes Boss?

Powell: What did I say I’d do if I found out that someone wasn’t being a team player?

Mitch: (terrified) I’m a team player.

Riley: Then where’s your hat?

Mitch: (Glares at RILEY) I left it in my cubical.

Powell: So you should be?

Mitch: Getting my silly hat…Coach.

Powell: Getting your silly hat. (Smashes the paper coffee cup on his head like a beer can. He then hands the smashed cup to Mitch.) Hurry back.

MITCH runs out of the room. POWELL looks back at the other office workers.

Powell: Right. Okay. Yeah. Business. Down to BUSINESS. Alice! Riley! What do our numbers look like?

RILEY and ALICE look at each other.

Powell: Go!

Alice: Steady!

Powell: Just steady?

Teddy: Yes. Steady.

Powell: I don’t like the sound of steady!

MITCH rushes into the room with a baseball cap on his head.

Mitch: Sir! These figures I’ve got right here–

POWELL rises and knocks the cap off MITCH’s head.

Powell: Is this some sort of JOKE? Are you TRYING to make me look foolish?

Mitch: Sir I–

Powell: This is about the company. This is about PRODUCTIVITY. This is about THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX! How can you be a good employee if your MORALE IS LOW? You’re not being WHIMSICAL enough! Now get yourself A SILLY HAT OR YOU’RE FIRED!

MITCH starts to say something, thinks better of it, and runs back offstage.

Powell: I don’t like the sound of steady. We need to be more proactive.

Alice: I was just telling Riley the other day how proactive we need to be–

Riley: Yes, because I had actually brought up to you how important pro acting was–

Alice: Since you knew that in college I minored in proaction–

Riley: I wanted to give you some advice from a profession protractor.

We hear a crash, a scream, and swearing offstage. Pause.

Powell: Of course we don’t want to be too proactive.

Riley: Definitely not. Remember Alice? I was telling you that–

Alice: Because you were so proactive–

Riley: Well not so much pro–

Alice: Seemed like a lot to me.

Riley: You’re mistaken.

Alice: I don’t think so–

Riley: Trust me.

Powell: Hey! You two need to get your heads in this game. Listen while I’m calling the plays and get serious, because it’s not a game.MITCH staggers back on. He has fashioned a VERY SILLY HAT out of lined paper, pencils, erasers and other office supplies. He staggers onto the stage and drops to his knees in front of POWELL and hands him the REPORTS.

Powell: Good of you to join us Mitch. What’s this?

Mitch: (Out of breath) Quarterly. Reports. Read.

Alice: Are you bleeding?

Mitch: Stapled. Hat. To-my-head. Accident.

Powell: (Inspects the VERY SILLY HAT. He gives a satisfied nod, and then looks at the reports.) Alice! Riley!

Alice & Riley: Yes boss?

Powell: Do you have an explanation for these?

Riley: (Takes the paper) Looks like our productivity took a nose dive…Ever since last Thursday.

Powell: Well what happened last Thursday?

MITCH starts laughing hysterically.

Alice: Silly Hat Thursday.

Powell: (Takes the reports back and reads them again, then removes his sombrero.) Alright. Henceforth, anyone caught wearing a silly hat on Thursday will have to answer to me. Understand?

ALICE & RILEY quickly remove their hats.

Alice: Yes Boss–

Riley: Yes Boss.

Powell: Alrighty then. Good thing I was here to take care of that crisis. Well, I’d better go get another triple latte. Gotta be awake for No Pants Four-O’clock. (Tears off his slacks and slings them over his shoulder.)

POWELL snaps and ALICE and RILEY Fall into step behind him. They exit.

Powell: (offstage) MITCHELL! That had better not be a silly hat on your head!

MITCH reaches up and tries to remove his VERY SILLY HAT, but finds he cannot, as it has been stapled to his head.

Lights Down.