Snow White Zombie

Snow White Zombie
Click here to download the script

Setting:
Sleeping Beauty’s Forest, Fairytale land:
Twenty-eight days after the zombie outbreak

Dramatis Personae:
Snow White
Prince Charming
Rapunzel
Big Bad Wolf
Sleeping Beauty

Lights come up on a clearing in Snow White’s Forest. SNOW WHITE lies in a glass coffin on top of a pedestal a little to the left of center stage. PRINCE CHARMING enters from stage right. He is nervous, his sword is drawn, and his clothes are tattered. He is dirty and sporting a five o’clock shadow which gives him a ruggedly handsome look (Think Viggo Mortensen in Lord of the Rings). Anxiously, he surveys the clearing. A beat. When he is satisfied that it is safe, PRINCE sheathes his sword and leans against a nearby tree, exhausted. He lets out a sigh, runs his hands through his hair, and then begins to massage his sore muscles. It is in this moment that PRINCE notices SNOW WHITE. Carefully, he approaches the coffin, entranced by her beauty. RAPUNZEL enters from stage right. Her skin and clothes are dirty, her dress tattered. The bottom has been torn off to create a mini-skirt. She also wears high leather boots and a long coat, the overall effect of which makes her appear somewhere between “princess” and “pirate.” In her right hand she carries a gun—an old flintlock pistol—and in her left, a cleaver, stained with dried blood. Most jarring of all is her hair, which has been cropped short, and is sticking out all over the place. RAPUNZEL has about her an air of quiet, deadly competence, like a tiger who doesn’t necessarily intend to pounce anytime soon, but certainly could arrange to do some pouncing within a moment’s notice. She watches PRINCE as he reaches down and touches SNOW WHITE’S hair. He gives it a smell and a look of ecstasy comes across his face. PRINCE releases the lock, tenderly brushes it behind her ear, and plants a gentle kiss upon SNOW WHITE’S lips.

Rapunzel: What the fuck are you doing?!

Prince Charming: (Surprised.) GAAAH!…uh, nothing.

Rapunzel: Were you just kissing a dead chick?

Prince Charming: No.

Rapunzel: Yes you were. I saw you.

Prince Charming: No…I was, I was just—

Rapunzel: (Advancing.) She is in a coffin. Her skin is white as snow. What about that does not add up to necrophilia?

Prince Charming: No, no. It’s…it’s—

Rapunzel: (Turning away and walking upstage.) Look, I know this whole apocalypse thing has been hard on you; it’s been hard on me too, but just because the dead are rising does not mean that you have to take them to the ball.

Prince Charming: (Turning to follow her.) Rapunzel—

Slowly, moving like a zombie, SNOW WHITE rises from the coffin behind them.

Rapunzel: (Building towards tears.) I know you’ve been dealing with the fact that your father, the king, was eaten by a girl a red cape, but—just because fairyland’s governments have collapsed—

Prince Charming: Baby—

Rapunzel: This isn’t the first time! I caught you necking that Cinder-bitch back at the palace! I found her shoe in your closet!

Prince Charming: I was trying to get her to give us a ride in her coach.

Rapunzel: It was a pumpkin! People can’t escape hordes of the undead in pumpkins! (Pointing at the coffin, but looking at PRINCE CHARMING.) And what does she have that I don’t have? ‘Cause I can name one thing that I have that she doesn’t, and it’s a p—

By now SNOW WHITE has risen from the coffin unnoticed; she moves towards PRINCE CHARMING as if in a dream.

Snow White: (Dreamily.) My prince!

PRINCE CHARMING and RAPUNZEL leap away in terror.

Rapunzel & Prince Charming: (Overlapping.) Sweet mother of God!

SNOW WHITE curtsies.

Rapunzel: (Raising her cleaver, giving an insane battle-cry, and charging straight for SNOW WHITE.) NEEEYAAAA!

Prince Charming: (Restraining her.) Wait!

Rapunzel: Remove-the-head-destroy-the-brain!

RAPUNZEL points her pistol at SNOW WHITE’S head. PRINCE CHARMING pushes it away.

Prince Charming: No.

Snow White: (Oblivious.) Hello.

Rapunzel: (Struggling to level the gun.) It talks! They’re evolving! Let me kill it.

Prince Charming: She’s not one of them.

Snow White: (Waves.) Yoo-hoo.

Slight pause.

Rapunzel: It’s braindead! Let me kill it.

RAPUNZEL tries to attack SNOW WHITE again. PRINCE CHARMING restrains her.

Rapunzel: Let go!

Prince Charming: Calm down.

Rapunzel: That’s what you told me when I saw that someone had been eating in my bed!

Snow White: Excuse me.

Prince Charming: You’re not thinking clearly.

Rapunzel: They had been eating someone else in my bed!

Snow White: Excuse me.

Prince Charming: She’s not infected.

Rapunzel: You said Rumpelstiltskin wasn’t infected!

Snow White: Excuse me.

Prince Charming: That’s what we thought—

Rapunzel: Until he tore out Mother Goose’s jugular!

Snow White: Excuse me.

Prince Charming: No one could’ve predicted that.

Rapunzel: Why did you take me out of the tower? It was safe in the tower!

Snow White: Excuse me.

Prince Charming: I didn’t do that.

Rapunzel: (Sarcastically.) Oh, right, all you did was say “Let down your hair,” and I just leapt into your arms!

Snow White: Excuse me.

Prince Charming: This again?

Rapunzel: Of course “this again,” we didn’t solve anything the last time.

Snow White: EXCUSE ME!

SILENCE. PRINCE CHARMING and RAPUNZEL simultaneously turn their heads to face SNOW WHITE.

Snow White: (Curtsies.) Hello. My name’s Snow White.

Rapunzel: Whoop-de-friggin’-do.

Snow White: Why were you yelling at my prince?

A beat. RAPUNZEL and PRINCE CHARMING exchange glances.

Rapunzel: Your Prince?

Snow White: Well he did wake me up—

Rapunzel: Oh, in that case—

Snow White: With true love’s kiss.

A beat. RAPUNZEL glares at PRINCE CHARMING. He shrugs.

Rapunzel: (Coldly.) You are handing those things out like candy.

RAPUNZEL walks upstage and leans against a tree.

Rapunzel: You can have him, sister.

Snow White: (Runs to PRINCE CHARMING and embraces him.) Oh, wonderful! We will have such a wedding!

Prince Charming: Uhh, yeah…about that—

Rapunzel: A wedding.

Snow White: Where are my forest friends?

Prince Charming: Look, uhh…Snowy, there’s some things—

Snow White: Forest Friends! Forest Friends! I am awake!

Rapunzel: Snowy.

Prince Charming: That you need to understand.

Snow White: I have found my love! Come celebrate with me!

Prince Charming: Snow White.

Snow White: Sparrows?

Prince Charming: Snow White.

Snow White: Deer?

Prince Charming: Snow White.

Snow White: I am awake! I have—

Rapunzel: Your friends are dead.

A long pause.

Snow White: What?

Prince: (Tenderly.) They’re dead, Snow White.

Pause.

Snow White: How?

Prince: They were eaten.

PAUSE.

Snow White: By the Evil Qu—?

Prince: By zombies.

Pause.

Snow White: What?

Prince: How long have you been unconscious?

Snow White: Since November sixteenth.

Prince Charming: It’s twenty-eight days later. The dead have risen. They are attacking and devouring the living.

Snow White: Oh my.

Prince Charming: Rapunzel and I are among the few remaining survivors. We move from place to place, running from the dead, surviving off our wits, always searching for a safe haven.

RAPUNZEL takes an apple out of her coat.

Snow White: But, but how did this happen?

RAPUNZEL brushes off the apple.

Prince Charming: How else? A birthday party. There was a mix-up in the invitations, one fairy was left out…and she got all kinds of butt-hurt, and then, BAM: Zombie Apocalypse.

Snow White: Oh my…The dwarves! We’ve got to warn them! Where are the seven dwarves?

RAPUNZEL takes a bite out of the apple. The sound reverberates through the theatre.

Prince Charming: Dwarves? Seven? About yea-high? (Holds up his hand.)

Snow White: (Happily.) Yes! That’s them! Where are they? What happened to them?

PRINCE CHARMING looks at RAPUNZEL. SNOW WHITE follows him. RAPUNZEL chews the apple and casually swings her cleaver at dwarf head-height.

Snow White: But…Happy? Sleepy? Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Bashful…Doc.

RAPUNZEL gleefully swings the cleaver with each name.

Snow White: (Horrified.) How could you? You Mur—

Prince Charming: (Grabbing her by the shoulders.) Listen to me, Snow White, every dead body that is not exterminated becomes one of them. It gets up and kills. The people it kills get up and kill.

Snow White: Goodness.

Prince Charming: They were already dead. We had no choice. I’m sorry.

Snow White: (Quietly.) I understand.

Prince Charming: You’re going to be alright, I’m going to take care of you.

Snow White: Thank you.

PRINCE CHARMING kisses SNOW WHITE passionately. RAPUNZEL rolls her eyes.

Prince Charming: I have to go now. I have to see if the way ahead is clear. Rapunzel is going to keep an eye on you while I am gone. Be strong, my love.

Snow White: I will be strong, my love.

Prince Charming: Zel, look after her.

Rapunzel: (Sarcastically.) Yes sir.

PRINCE CHARMING exits stage left. Rapunzel makes a face at him after he goes, then turns to SNOW WHITE.

Rapunzel: (Offering her the apple.) Bite?

Snow White: (Firmly.) No. No thank you.

Rapunzel: Kay.

RAPUNZEL picks at the apple. A beat.

Rapunzel: He said that to me, you know. That stuff about “taking care” of you? You’re not the first. I just thought you should know that.

Snow White: He loves me.

Rapunzel: (Bitterly, she knows it’s true.) I’m sure he does. Just like I’m sure he loves me. That’s just the way he is.

Snow White: What happened to your hair?

A beat.

Rapunzel: (Reaching back to feel her hair non-existent hair, like a phantom limb.) It used to be gorgeous and long, strong enough for him to climb. I let it hang out the window, and up he’d come. He’d bring his warmth and his scent into my cold, empty tower…and we’d make love until the sun came up. Then, down he’d climb, off to his next challenge; his next conquest.

A pause.

Rapunzel: Off he’d go, and I would be left alone…until my belly began to show, and that old witch threw me out. The way I see it, you had it good, under that glass.

Snow White: I was poisoned.

Rapunzel: By your stepmother.

Snow White: By the Qu—

Rapunzel: Witch, queen, stepmother…mother, whatever. You were safe, like I was. Now you’re awake, you’re a woman, and you’ve got to face reality.

Snow White: I have waited my whole life for him. If this is what it takes for us to be together, then so be it. I can handle myself.

Rapunzel: I hope so, sister.

Prince Charming: (Returning.) It’s safe. Nothing ahead but some blown-over houses, and what’s left of three little pigs.

Moaning comes from offstage right.

Rapunzel: They’re coming, we’ve got to move.

Prince Charming: (To Snow White.) Are you ready?

SNOW WHITE looks at RAPUNZEL, then back at PRINCE CHARMING and nods. PRINCE CHARMING offers his hand, but SNOW WHITE gets up on her own. She hugs him tightly.

Big Bad Wolf: (Offstage, like a moan.) HUUUUUUFFFFFFFF.

Snow White: What was that?

Big Bad Wolf: (Offstage.) PUUUUUUFFFFFFFFF!

Rapunzel: Zombie wolves.

RAPUNZEL hands SNOW WHITE her cleaver.

Rapunzel: Do you know how to use this?

SNOW WHITE nods reluctantly.

Rapunzel: Hit them in the head. One blow.

SNOW WHITE grips the cleaver, a determined look comes over her face.

Prince Charming: (Drawing his sword.) You two go on ahead. I’ll guard the rear.

Rapunzel: (To SNOW WHITE.) Go on, honey.

SNOW WHITE looks back at Prince Charming, who nods. She exits stage left; RAPUNZEL follows her. PRINCE CHARMING looks around for a minute, then begins to exit. From stage right, SLEEPING BEAUTY appears.

Sleeping Beauty: (Musically.) Uuuuuhhhhhh…

PRINCE CHARMING turns and sees her. He is instantly entranced. They both walk towards each other, and it becomes obvious that SLEEPING BEAUTY is a zombie. PRINCE CHARMING does not seem to notice. RAPUNZEL re-enters from stage left. She sees PRINCE CHARMING and takes aim. PRINCE CHARMING reaches out to kiss SLEEPING BEAUTY, and she reaches out to bite him. RAPUNZEL fires her gun. SLEEPING BEAUTY drops to the ground, dead from a headshot. Prince Charming turns and looks at RAPUNZEL. She keeps her gun trained on him.

Rapunzel: (Walking forward, menacingly.) You’ve got some bad habits, and I think they’re going to be the death of you.

RAPUNZEL places the barrel of her gun underneath PRINCE CHARMING’S chin and keeps her finger on the trigger. There is a tense moment, then RAPUNZEL reaches out and embraces him; they kiss passionately.

Rapunzel: (Grabs PRINCE CHARMING’S butt.) Good thing you’re so goddamn charming.

Lights down. End of play.